Yesterday was a sad day. I had applied for our school’s HOPE trip, an alternative spring break service trip which I went on last year and was completely life changing. This year, when putting my preference, I took a plunge. I applied to go on an international trip in South America. I met with the coordinator, making sure I would be able to take care of myself, I met with my doctor, and he was all for it. Finally, I wasn’t listening to anyone telling me I shouldn’t, I was gonna try to do this despite CF. That was big, because, I had already let CF be an excuse not to go abroad, and not to go on so many overnight opportunities, so here I was, finally going to prove to myself that CF wasn’t going to stand in the way of what I am passionate about, HOPE, service, Encountering God (the “E” in HOPE).
Much to my dismay, I got a letter yesterday that I was put on the wait-list, along with about 100 other people. This is the first time the program has had to turn people away. First, I was upset because that means 100 people don’t get to have this great experience that I’ve already had the blessing to have. And of course, I was upset because after all that work, after taking the risk, I didn’t even get in for sure, and the only way I’ll get it is if someone gives up their spot, and given the nature of the program, thats highly unlikely (just to be realistic).
I’m not sure I’ve ever been so disappointed about anything that wasn’t my CF. Some of it was shock at a program that encourages service, and faith, and walking in God’s footsteps had to turn people away, and that there was no easy way to make everyone happy. And some of it was knowing that, this time, it wasn’t CF standing in my way (unless the selection committee deemed me too much of a risk for the college, which, I don’t believe they would do, I hope!). I’m used to CF ruining stuff, it’s like the annoying big “cyster” that you get used to eventually. But I haven’t had too much experience of being let down in my passions. My passions are the things I can turn to that CF can’t get in the way. I run freely, on any open road, without CF telling me I can’t. I volunteer my time and have incredible life-changing experiences, without CF telling me I can’t. I learn incredible things about society’s problems, healthcare, and other interesting subjects without CF letting me get behind. And now, with this trip, a chance for me to go for my passions without CF getting in the way, I was told I can’t by some outside source that I have no control over. That’s hard to swallow.
I spent all yesterday trying to look on the bright side. And eventually, by the time I went to bed, I was able to sleep soundly. This is about taking the lessons I’ve learned from CF and putting them to the test. It’s easy to shrug it off when CF is causing my disappointment, but I gotta learn to accept other disappointments in my life too. Life goes on right? Maybe I’ll be able to find some other service to do, and I’m already blessed enough to volunteer at a nursing home and tutor homeless children every week, learning so much from their bright smiles, their willingness to succeed, and their spunk. At least about 150 people other people will get the have the experience that I did, including a couple of friends who have never had this experience. At least I got to learn so much when I went on my trip last year. I look on the bright side at first as a way to ignore the disappointment I’m feeling, but when I truly look on the bright side, it makes things a lot more manageable.
Fall Seven Times. Stand up Eight. Before I went to bed, I prayed and I thanked God for presenting me with obstacles in my life, of allowing me to feel confusion, and frustration, and anger yesterday, because those feelings are real, and you can’t learn unless you have them. I believe that everything does happen for a reason. After deciding I wasn’t going abroad, I was disappointed, especially when my best friends were leaving for other countries. And then, a few days before move-in day, I was not in the best health, I went to two Emergency Rooms, and I was thankful that I wasn’t feeling like that knowing I would be flying thousands of miles from home in the next few days. Everything happens for a reason. Whether or not this is some kind of test of Faith, I’m thankful that I’ll learn from the disappointment, and maybe, come spring break, I’ll realize the true reason why I’m not in South America. There’s no way to know now, only to trust that there is a reason for everything.
